Icha Icha Demon Humper
by Vaako
Summary: Naruto is having a bad day that only gets worse when Kakashi and Sai decide to drop in. Slash.


Icha Icha Demon Humper

Naruto's internal alarm clock went off at exactly 4:30 in the morning. He awoke without sufferation - as do most _early-_risers and lay very still. He wondered what he should do today, as today was That Day and he never went anywhere on That Day.

Today, or rather That Day was never going to be a good day.

_**Oh cheer up, you insufferable worm. One day a year you **_**choose**_** not to leave your home. ME on the other hand, I am trapped inside an **_**insufferable worm**_** all the time. **_

"Yeah, you're right. I should relax. But..." Naruto looked about his small, uninteresting and kind of smelly flat. "I need to do something or I am going to go Rock Lee Crazy."

Kyuubi snarled and threw himself at the bars Naruto's mind to scream, _**Then study the scrolls the big-breasted female sent you, train with the weights the big-cocked male sent you – or masturbate! I don't care, either means as little to me as the other in the grand state of more interesting things I am considering right now!**_

Naruto squinted slightly against the tirade and nodded, "Alright then, I'll spend the whole day masturbating."

And Kyuubi shrieked, _**YOU WILL **_**NOT**_**! I **_**FORBID**_** IT.**_

"Yeah whatever, as if you could _stop_ me. You never could before. But I'll take a look at the scrolls, but only after I eat something – I'm _starving_! What I wouldn't do for a lovely young wife!"

_**You wouldn't do a lot of things for a lovely young **_**wife**_**; I know this all too well.**_

Ignoring the Kyuubi as he so often did, Naruto rolled out of bed and into some clothes that might or might not be clean. He entered the kitchen and climbed onto the table to eat. He had to eat sitting on the table as he'd broken his last chair in a freak incident involving Naruto's head, a bird and a hunting instinct he hadn't realised he'd had until then. It was the table or the floor he'd never felt the need to clean.

He laid the scroll in his lap and held it open with one hand. The other hand fed him cold noodles from the night before. It was a little disgusting, but waste not want not!

Believe it or not today was his birthday. Today was also the day the villagers celebrated the sealing of Kyuubi and mourned the passing of the fourth Hokage. Naruto rubbed at his stomach self-pityingly.

Almost every civilian takes this day off, though ninja didn't have this choice for obvious reasons. There was no rest for the wicked - Not normally, but Naruto had requested this day off, perhaps unwisely – and here he was. And because he got the day off, his team did too.

Naruto gave the scroll up as boring and kicked it into the sink. He then stretched himself out on the cool smooth surface of the table and surrendered himself to a day of complete and utter laziness.

He loved training and missions, and he loved the relatively new experience of having friends. So what if none of those friends knew it was his birthday today. He was sure that if they knew they'd come see him...! Or maybe not. But who cared, he could have fun on his own!

At least he wouldn't have to see that stone-faced bastard Sasuke.

_**Euuurgh! There's a fox in the house! Kill it! Kill it! How dare it enter my territory so nonchalantly!**_

Sure enough a fox was in the kitchen. The little buggers seemed attracted to his presence, though Kyuubi clearly would have eaten them if it'd had the chance. The fox was watching him for a reaction. Naruto realised he'd lifted his head to look. Its tail was puffed up to a ridiculous size.

"Oh, whatever," Naruto waved a hand at it regally and let his head drop back onto the table with a bang. A pang of teenage anxiety came over him, "Do you think I'm evil?" He asked the fox, and was appropriately ignored.

Naruto sat up suddenly, startling the fox and his noodles onto the floor, "You know... maybe I should give up this hero thing – and join the dark side!"

_**Pfft, there is no 'dark side,' just evil beings being evil.**_

"Maybe I should join err, Orochimaru! He'd respect me, _right_? Think about it! Supposedly I'm a demon who massacred a village!"

_**Who'd respect you, you filthy, pathetic little maggot? Don't kid yourself! And massacre? MASSACRE?If they want a massacre, I could show them a true massacre. I only ate a few, and most of the deaths were **_**accidents**_**. Little ants running under my feet every time I took a step. I was used most foully. I would never in a million years of done such a thing of my own violation.**_

"...You're lying to me."

_**Not that there is much in admitting it, but yes, yes I am.**_

"I appreciate that you told me the truth." Naruto patronized.

_**And **_**I **_**appreciate that you appreciated that.**_

"And I appreciate that you appreciated my appreciating of that-"Naruto spun to face his window in alarm. In the middle of speaking to Kyuubi his stomach had twisted in dread. It could mean only one thing.

Sai crouched on his window frame, muddy sandals crumbling muck into his sink and onto the pristine if damp scroll there.

'Oh my god, _what did he hear?'_

_**Only you talking to **_**yourself**_** or that stinky fox over there.**_

"Go away..."

Sai stared at him hard, "Alright then." And he hopped off the window frame and disappeared over the edge. Naruto did not check he was gone, he just knew he was. He got off the table and began tidying up a little.

Never knew who might drop by. "How did he get in here without me noticing? How embarrassing!"

"Oh I got in through the window, obviously, dickless."

Naruto flinched and in a trained reaction through what he had in his hand at the intruder. And then he blinked horrified at the ramen bowl smashed against his window frame, raining the kitchen in odd bits of noodle and soup.

_**You missed.**_

Sai was motionless, face blank even as a bit of noodle made its slow and slimy journey down his right cheek. It was a long awkward moment before he spoke, "Well I just came back to warn you about the fox going through your cupboards. I read it was polite to warn people of such things."

Naruto looked across his apartment at the filthy little creature, which had fluffed its tail again and was frozen, halfway into a side cabinet. "...Thanks, I know."

"Well then, did you know it is also illegal to keep a fox as a pet? They're wild animals and it could even be a contract sent to spy-"

_**Aw, rant rant rant, send him out! How dare he come preaching this sermon to me? Actually throw something else at him! Something sharper! And aim for the face or prick! If you get into trouble you can say it was an accident!**_

"Tempting..."

"What did you say?" Sai was looking carefully at him now. Naruto must have spoken his thoughts out loud.

"Oh, oh - Nothing! Except get out of my house! What are you even doing here? Did Kakashi send you?"

"Yes."

Ouch. He'd actually been hoping someone had just come to see him of their own accord for once.

"He told me to check on you," continued Sai, "he said you were unwell."

"I am. Very ill. I'm sick."

"Yeah... We've known that for a long time Naruto." Despite this being one of Sai's rare humorous moments, Naruto took offence.

"You_ prick_! Stop twisting my words you prick! Go away!"

"Fine," and Sai left him alone with his thoughts.

Two hours later and he was creeping out of the house. It was still early enough to be dark, so he could creep about virtually unseen. He made his made to the Hokage monument, where he watched the village go about preparations for the celebrations that evening.

With the sun just rising, he began to feel lonely. A fat tear escaped one eyes and then the other. He was becoming moved by the sunrise, something he thought only possible of girls, Rock Lee and Gai-Sensei.

_**For your information, someone is watching your emotional breakdown.**_

He was so not having an emotional breakdown, but if someone was out there, watching and listening like a big fat- "God-damned LURKER! Peeping on me at my most vulnerable! Come out and show yourself!"

Sai stepped out and Naruto was sorely tempted to kill him. Why was he always around when something like this happened? It's like he had some tracking beacon that went 'ping' every time Naruto was about to do something stupid!

"Are you crying because you are sad?"

"No, no, I'm happy Sai. These are tears of joy."

"Are you crying because you have discovered you homosexuality and fear retribution, dickless?"

"Er... That was strangely specific. Could you possibly be experiencing this problem, Arsehole?"

Sai charged him and pinned him to the ground.

"Sai! What are you doing?"

"I believe I am performing what they call a 'pounce'."

"Get off!"

"That is the general idea, yes."

Naruto managed to overturn Sai with a lucky shot to the balls. When he had the other boy on his back, he proceeded to punch him repeatedly in the stomach until he was kicked off. They stood panting and glaring at each other.

"You arsehole! What do you think you're trying to pull?" Naruto pointed an enraged finger at the other boy and Kyuubi remained silent, for once.

Sai watched him, eyes like glass, waiting. Naruto peered at him. Was Sai... crying? Naruto approached him warily.

"Sai? Sai are you okay?" he reached out to touch the other boys shoulder, "are you okay?" The other boy watched him, eyes shuttered and unreadable.

Naruto was confused; Sai was obviously more upset than he seemed, but how to comfort him? He rubbed his back as he'd witnessed mothers do to their children. "Shhh, everything is gonna be okay, _okay_?"

Suddenly Sai was clinging to Naruto, and despite Sai's distress, Naruto found himself getting annoyed. He suppressed it. "Everything is okay..." he was telling himself this as much as he was Sai.

Soon the other boy had been silent and still for a long while and when Naruto checked, it was to his immediate and utter _dread _he found the other boy sleeping.

_**Just take him home so I can get some rest!**_

"But I don't know where he lives."

_**Then take him to**_** your**_** home.**_

Naruto slung him gently over his shoulder and carried him back to his flat. He climbed in through his window with no injury to himself or his charge. He dumped him none to gently on his sofa-bed, half wanting the other boy to wake up, half enjoying the company.

He stared at Sai's awkward position and found he couldn't just leave him there like that. He settled him more comfortable and pulled a cover over him, and then he kissed his male teammate on the forehead.

And then he hopped away, red-faced. His hands rose to conceal his hot cheeks. What had he just done? It was instinctive. He'd wanted to do it, but he'd thought he had enough self-control not to. He must be more tired than he thought. But he couldn't sleep with Sai in his flat. So he tottered into the kitchen and made himself some nice relaxing ramen. He sat on the table and read the news-paper.

**MEMORIAL DAY**

**SEE THE NINE-TAILED FOX GET BURNED ALIVE**

**GET YOUR FAMILY TO COME ALONG AND REMEMBER THE DEAD**

Naruto sniffed miserably, _double-whammy._

Luckily a knock at the door distracted him before he could slip oh-too-willingly into depression (- he was a teenager). He recognised the knock as Kakashi's. He was on his way to the door when he remembered Sai. For some reason he found he didn't want his teacher to know about this incident...

He grabbed another heavier blanket and threw it over the sleeping boy, hoping he wouldn't wake up. Then he rushed to the door where the man knocking had been getting impatient. "Yeah, what?" he asked casually.

"Yo! Whoa," Kakashi stuck his head in the door, "something stinks in here."

"Oh thanks!" Naruto growled, trying to shut the door again. ...If the man was just here to nose around...

"You haven't got another little _visitor_ again, have you? Oh look there it is, in your cabinet! How _adorable!"_ The older man gleefully pushed by Naruto and snatched the fox up. The fox swiped at him and fluffed its tail before seeming to recognise him as a serial fox-squeezer. It went limp in surrender in Kakashi's hands.

Naruto frowned with exaggeration. That fox would have bit _him._ Kakashi dropped the fox out the window and chucked a book at Naruto, "Birthday present!"

Naruto's eyes boggled at the book, "What the fuck is this?"

"What? No thank-you – not even after Jiraiya went through all the trouble of writing a book for your sixteenth birthday?"

After a few minutes of reading, Naruto looked up in consternation, "Please tell me this isn't published!"

"I'm afraid it is!" Kakashi smiled at him.

Naruto was about to strangle his teacher - or at least attempt to - when there was a loud groan from the bed. Naruto couldn't stop himself from blushing. Kakashi looked from his pink face to the bed in surprise.

Naruto slowly turned to Kakashi. Kakashi slowly turned to Naruto. "Um..." said Naruto, stalling for an excuse.

"..." said Kakashi, waiting for the excuse.

"Um...!" said Naruto.

"...Oh, I see!" Said Kakashi, seeing something Naruto did not want him to see.

Sai shifted in the bed.

"Oh!" Kakashi pointed an accusing finger at the bed, "Uh-oh!"

"I can explain! Honest!" Naruto cried.

"I just can't believe it; I thought you were a virgin!"

"...really?" Naruto shook his head to clear it, "I mean; be quiet or you'll wake him up!"

"..._Him?_"

"No! Kakashi! _NO!_ It's not like that! I told you I can explain if you'll listen!"

"How could you do this to me Naruto? Keep your own dear teacher in the dark?"

"Shut up!"

Kakashi wiped the mirthful tear from his eyes, "Ha! Ahh... who is he then?"

"Shhh!"

The covers stirred and an arm appeared, and then a leg, and then the rest of Sai.

"Sai!" Kakashi was laughing, when, "But... why is he wearing clothes?"

"Oh, give it up," Naruto complained.

The man went over to inspect the sleeping boy's puffy face. "Let me guess, you had an emotional discovery?"

"You read too much _lady_-porn. It was_ nothing_ like that."

"Oh yeah! - So do you like the book?"

Naruto looked at the book in his hand and read the cover again, a feeling of terrible dread settling in his stomach...

ICHA ICHA DEMON LOVER

NAPUNO -The blonde, handsome assassin Ninja... Has a secret, He is a Demon. A DEMON LOVER!

But, that is not his only secret, for he has fallen in love with his team-mate KAI.

WILL THESE TWO GET IT ON IN THE DANGERFIELD, NAPUNO'S APARTMENT, OR THE COLD MANSION OF KAI'S EVIL MASTER?

"We still have time! These haven't been sold yet, right?"

"Sold OUT!"

Naruto covered his eyes in horror, soon everyone would be whispering. The bed creaked, student and teacher looked over.

"Hm...?" Sai queried, snuggling into Naruto's pillow and visibly sniffing it.

Naruto wanted to DIE. Kakashi was staring at Sai fondly, "You kids are hilarious." He turned to grin at Naruto as well, "No really, you crack me up with your teenage antics."

In the bed, Sai woke up. Naruto froze. The tension in the air was so thick Naruto could barely breathe. Kakashi didn't seem to be suffering. "Are you alright Sai? Naruto didn't try anything untoward did he? It's okay, you can tell me."

Suddenly wide awake, Sai sat up and took stock of the situation. His eyes alighted on Kakashi, who looked very smug. He felt a little sick. "Kakashi, where am I?"

Kakashi's face dropped and he turned to Naruto, "You... kidnapped him? That's a little desperate, Naruto."

"_Dickless_? Where is he? Is he hiding now that we have become romantically attached to one another?"

"Now now," intervened Kakashi, "Leave your little lovers spat until after I've left, please! I'm just curious about how you got here, in this situation I mean - I don't care about if you walked or what..."

Sai was only too happy to oblige every. Single. Detail. "We were discussing homosexuality-" Here Naruto noticed his teachers face pale in dismay, "-Naruto became emotional so I tried to 'pounce' him."

"I see, I see, and how did you come to be the one left in the bed?"

"I..." Sai flushed a pale pink.

"Oh my!" Kakashi said, imagining all kinds of dirty goings on.

"It didn't happen quite like that Kakashi! If you'd all slow down a second and let me explain!" he rubbed the back of his neck and laughed, "it went like this, I was-" he paused at the hand on his side.

Sai came up behind Naruto, "I need to speak with you, privately."

Kakashi chuckled, "Don't _worry_, I'm leaving! There's nothing worse than new lovers! Bye Naruto! Enjoy the book!"

Naruto gave a sad little wave in reply. As soon as Kakashi left, Sai wrapped his arms tight around Naruto and breathed against him contentedly. Naruto liked it more than a little and he responded cautiously and shyly; wrapping his arms around the taller boy and stroking his back.

Then Kakashi walked back in and they all froze. Kakashi coughed bashfully, "I'll just come back about the book tomorrow. I'm sure Jiraiya will understand when I explain..." The door slammed and the two boys remained frozen. Eventually Naruto began stroking Sai's back again and the atmosphere became warm and loving...

The next day the atmosphere was a little less forgiving. Despite the night before, Naruto was anything but relaxed. "Kakashi, what the fuck _is _this?"

"It's the romantic story of Napuno and Kai!" Kakashi was getting annoyed.

"Yeah I get that, Na_p_u_n_o and _K_ai, Kaka_hi_ and I_k_u_r_a, S_u_k_a_ra and so on! It's so damn obvious! Now everyone will know-"

"- that it's a good book?" Kakashi drawled, "with very _original _characters?"

"Napuno changed to Naruto halfway through."

"Oh," said Kakashi.

"Kai become Sai halfway through too, though occasionally it says..._Sasuke_ instead!"

"Well that isn't really too bad-"

"Kakahi changes to Kakashi two pages in and he falls in love with a fisherman named Ikura on the first page and begins a six page long love-making session."

"Well, at least I'm a stud..." Kakashi was too hopeful.

"Ikura is only called Ikura once and becomes Iruka for the rest of the book!"

"Who edited these books? That's _truly _awful!"

"But what _really_ gets me is; how did he _know_ all these things about us...? It was like he _knew _what would happen before it happened!"

"What's that?" asked Sai, from the bed.

Kakashi's eyebrows shot up and he nodded at Naruto respectfully, "_Quick_ work!"

"Naruto?" Sai murmured, sitting up shirtless.

"So, Naruto... I bet you're a demon in the sack..." Kakashi leered.

Needless to say Naruto was much shaken up when his teacher left.

-LATER ON SOME TIME-

Naruto yelped in surprise as the taller boy straddled him while he was reading Icha Icha Demon Lover.

"I think I love you," Sai admitted.

Naruto became thoughtful, "You know I have loved you since we were children together, what will you tell your girlfriend, Sukara?"

"What?" Sai whispered, looking pale, "Is this another dream?"

Naruto grinned at him, "Is that where Jiraiya got the idea for his latest book from? Have you been telling him your dreams?"

Sai flopped to lie beside Naruto and held out his hand. Naruto passed him the book and as Sai read, Naruto lay there, wondering how things came to this pleasant consequence.

Rolling onto his side, he ran his hands over Sai's bare stomach affectionately. He admired the lean muscles a before Sai lowered the book slowly, looking a bit pink. He turned to look at Naruto with bright fever eyes and Naruto kissed him.

Jiraiya peered through the window and grinned at his notebook, "This is gay-gold!" the sequel to Icha Icha Demon Lover, Icha Icha Demon Humper was going to sell like_ mad_ to the gossip-mongers!

"Napuno got up one day and tried to relax, but he couldn't. After breakfast he told his fox companion that if something didn't happen soon, He'd go crazy... then Sai-I mean Kai came out of the bathroom and... Dropped. His. Towel... and then-"

THE END


End file.
